Author Archives: Leif2008

About Leif2008

37yr old single father--born in Philly, college in Pittsburgh--living in the Bay for about 12 years.

A Half Cooked Thought

I hope that you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with loved ones.  I spent the holiday down in Long Beach, CA — and it was 90 degrees…so we went to the beach.

Hands

I was dealt a hand today, just like every other day. The hand was ok –but it could’ve been better, especially if the hand included seeing Lila.

I can’t predict if the daily hand i’m dealt will make me smile, frown, cry, or heck, if that hand will take everything from me without a moments notice.  Life is beautiful like that–life is ruthless like that, and i’m willing to accept whatever comes my way. The one thing I can control in this life is how I react to situations — good or bad.  My goal is to be at peace and content, with no regrets, when that last hand is thrown on the table.

(This is a half baked thought — my brain is a bit dead from work, so i’ll resume later.  Any ideas are appreciated).

 

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Remember to Breathe

Initially, when you stop drinking, the absence of alcohol can create cognitive and physical stress.  It is intense.

In time, I literally felt my brain, in all its plasticity, healing each day I didn’t pick the bottle up.  Toward the end of my active alcoholism, I became afraid of the negative impact excessive alcohol consumption was having on my mind.  I had terrible migraines (and still do — just a bit less terrible), was forgetting things (a lot) and always felt sick.

An indication that my mind was healing came about 7-9 months after quitting.  I started dreaming again — old drowned out memories started to resurface — with those memories came little spurts of happiness.  It felt good.  I started to feel like, and remember myself.

Now, years later, I sleep even better — and I dream more frequently.  My senses have become a memory resurfacer (not a word, but it makes sense to me).  A smell can bring me back to my parents kitchen table with my sisters — and the sight of children playing makes me stop and think of holding my nephews.  I wish I could see them more.

Today, as I ran, a song brought me back to my college cafeteria….

(setting: cafeteria table with my best dude friends, 2001, Indiana University of PA, Summer Session)

“Guys, there she is.  Oh my god!  She is so fucking hot.”

“Leif, she would never get with you.  Forget it.”

There she was, is right.  Elana.  The most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my 20 years on planet earth.

Literally.

She reminded me of a Disney princess — Jasmine from Aladdin to be precise.  Elana is Cuban and Colombian — she had long, jet black hair, which shined so bright.  She had these cover-girl eye brows, and always wore tight athletic pants — and that backside was nothing short of spectacular.  Her smile?  It was as big, beautiful and sweet as her lips.

I. Was. In. Love.

I thought about Elana all of the time, and I not only saw her in the cafeteria, but she was living on the same floor in the dorms as me.  All of the guys wanted to ask her out — and I wasn’t sure I could compete with the Delta Sigma’s or Theta Chi’s.

Fucking douche bags.

One day, I was eating some shitty cafeteria food with my friends who literally had no confidence in my game — and, as expected, Elana came walking in looking SO fine!

Today was the fucking day!

“Guys, i’m asking her out.  Fuck it!”

“Yeah right.”

Elana was putting vegetables on a plate at the salad bar — and I slowly walked up next to her, and started putting vegetables on my own plate.  Finally, in front of the cherry tomatoes and mushrooms, I mustered up the balls to talk to Elana.

“Hey, I see you around all of the time and wanted to introduce myself.  I’m Leif.”

I pissed my pants a little.  I immediately went to the bright side and was grateful I didn’t shit myself a little.  Rational, right?

Ok….

“Hi Leif, my name is Elana.  How are you?”

Those two sentences became the beginning of a two year relationship, and a now 10 + year friendship.  I proved all of my friends wrong, and believed in myself enough to take a risk — it was a baller moment.

The point is, I never forgot about Elana, as I said, she is still a good friend of mine.  BUT, I did forget some details of our time together — details that surfaced in such a vivid way, sparked by a song during a morning jog (Dashboard Confessional, Remember to Breathe.  College, right?!).

It’s just another example of the many benefits of treating your mind and body as you should, and I consistently look forward to the next memory that surfaces…along with the other amazing benefits of cleanliness.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

My Daughter

She is my purpose, my reason,

She is why i’m breathing.

She will change the world, and it’s my responsibility to show her how.

She fills me with love, then and even more-so now.

No one has accepted me, believed in me, like her —   no one sees what she sees in me.

I never knew how to love unconditionally. But.

When I first heard her heart beat, then I loved absolutely — everything about her.

Smiles, cries, sadness and happiness.

A spectrum of emotion —  added stress.

At times, a mess — right?

But, she, has always been worth every sleepless night.

Holding her, soothing her — love silences the fuss.

From conception, to that first ride on the school bus.

She is my purpose, my reason,

She is why i’m breathing.

She will change the world, and it’s my responsibility to show her how.

She fills me with love, then and even more-so now.

I love you, Lila 🙂 ❤

 

April 2014 to November 2017

April 2014

  • Weight: 198lbs
  • Blood Pressure: about 140/90 +
  • Gross annual income: 65K
  • Attitude: Complacent and miserable

November 2017

  • Weight: 165lbs
  • Blood Pressure: about 118/75
  • Gross annual income: 98K
  • Attitude:  Determined and much happier

As I approach four years sober,  I am reaching new heights physically, psychologically and professionally.  My confidence has come back full swing after being drowned out for so many years.

I smile, and it’s genuine.

I laugh, and I actually feel the joy.

I say what I mean — I don’t lie to myself or others anymore.

I respect myself and others around me.

I don’t stress about items out of my control, instead, I work hard and prepare everyday to minimize the presence of stress.

I sweat, as it is my therapy.

I think for myself — therefore I am my own completely.

No one or no object, especially a can or bottle, will interfere/disrupt my ability to be the best version of myself.

As I write this entry, I feel butterflies.

I feel excited about the upcoming holiday season. I will be able to visit Pennsylvania.  My parents finally stopped enabling my older sister, who is now in a treatment facility somewhere in Philadelphia.  I hope and pray for her sobriety — but I am certain she will fall back into old, destructive behaviors.  I hope that i’m wrong.

I also pray that my mom isn’t drinking as much, after spending seven days in a treatment facility for alcoholism a few months back.  I have given up on my mom completely giving up alcohol — I just hope she can cut back.  I told her that if she gets back to the level she was drinking before, I will no longer be able to see her.  It was effective when I refused to come home while my sister was  being enabled — so I hope my mother takes me seriously.

For my daughter, I am breaking the cycle.  Like I did, she won’t see death by one thousand needles — like I did when my uncle Johnny and Aunt Marianne died from heroin overdoses.  She won’t see her father drink beer after beer, day after day.  She won’t see medicine cabinets full of orange containers — little tablets that make eyes droop and speech slur.

No, she will see me being me — free from the corruption of some fucking substance.  I want substance in my life, but fuck substances.

I’m not a fool though — as Lila is heading toward the emotional monstrosity that is adolescence.  Will she go down the same path as me or her Aunt?  Maybe.  I am preparing for this now by ensuring my daughter feels comfortable talking to me about anything.  Anything at all.  When and if the time comes, like anything else, we will work through it together.  I pray that preparation goes unneeded –but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

 

 

 

 

<3 As We Move Forward

Wow!  The last two months went by SO fast.  I saw some activity on my blog, new views, so I want to post a quick update.

Lila started 3rd grade this year, and she is doing wonderfully!  I started a new job two months back, for an employer i’ve been eager to work with, and it has been a-maz-ing!  I feel like life is coming together — and I can’t forget that giving up alcohol has been a HUGE part of my success during the last almost four years.  I have to keep in mind that giving up alcohol was just the start of the journey — many other flaws become exposed during the healing process — which provides opportunity for unlimited growth potential once you start seeing opportunities for positive change.  For example, removing negative elements/people from your life, enhancing physical/psychological health and wellness, establishing healthier relationships (including mending existing relationships) — more structure, organization, attention to detail/feelings and happiness.  Yes, happiness!  If you’re drinking now, an active alcoholic, I guarantee that you’re only realizing a mere fraction of your potential as a human.

Since quitting, my professional and personal life soared to new levels.  My income grew over 50 percent — and my credit went from a dismal 560 points to 750 points since the day I quit drinking.  I have become more thoughtful, responsible, attentive to detail and available for my family and friends.  I’m no longer a turd in the punch bowl of life — walking around like a zombie.  My attitude still sucks at times, but overall I am more patient, understanding, loving and most importantly, less selfish!  Life isn’t perfect, and never will be, but I feel that i’m giving myself the best chance to be as happy as possible.

I want you to know that I care about you — I’m with you on your journey to live a healthier and more productive life.  At 34 years old, I was a mess — and in a short period of time, in the grand scheme of things, I feel i’m making a complete 180.  Please join me on this journey.

I will commit to posting at least once a month — and my next post will be more thoughtful than a quick update.  Love to you all!

Leif and Lila

 

I Hope

On this morning, dark clouds filled with precipitation spray the Bay Area with billions, maybe trillions of tiny droplets.

Splash.

Rain drops pitter-patter on the windshield of my car, a sound reminiscent of a drummer hitting a snare.

I’m driving north toward San Francisco—following a sea of red break lights up the 101.  Stop, go, honk—traffic brings out the absolute worst in people, and I’m not feeling so good at the moment.

I need to escape.  I need to break free from the stronghold of the nine-to-five schedule—wake-up, work, go home, sleep, repeat.  Today, I want to be free—not trapped by any sort of robotic routine.  I just want to wander around the city, and not think, not even once, about the plethora of responsibilities that I am committed to.  I often day-dream about having enough resources to travel the world with Lila and Ly—never concerned about money, just concerned about how many amazing experiences can be created in a 24 hour window.  I want to be free of the invisible shackles of this industrialized society.

I want purpose—and that purpose doesn’t reside in a cubicle.  Is purpose an illusion?

They say that those who consistently work hard and do the right thing will be rewarded.  Can that be true?  Yes—but I know a lot of people who worked their fingers to the bone, and some of them may disagree.

Hope is what keeps me going—keeps the dreams alive.  I must continuously remind myself to never lose hope…ever.

A Letter to My Father

Dad,

I try to live my life in the most simplistic way possible.  People have a tendency to over-complicate easy processes, and make life difficult–but I have found an approach to life that works for me, which is:  work-hard, be a good person, never give up and protect family at all cost.  If I do the aforementioned items, most of the time, then life will fall into place.

You may know this or not, but I learned that approach from you and mom.  You modeled for your children (some of us absorbed the lesson more than others) how to be successful in life and in relationships.

It’s simple, yet effective:  work hard and do what needs to be done!

I’ve had to apply all that you taught me as a child out here in California.  You prepared me to be self-sufficient, and gave me opportunities that you were not provided in life, like college, and though I wasn’t mature enough to fully appreciate what you did for me then, I fully understand now.  I promise, just as you awarded me opportunities that you didn’t have, I will do the same for Lila, your only (for now) grand-daughter.

I know the last few years, in certain ways, have been emotionally and physically draining–and you may have even questioned your impact as a parent.  Dad, just know that your hard-work, tireless dedication, absolute support and love all molded me into the man I am.  A capable worker and provider–and someone who is working hard to be a better person and father each day.  I love you with all of my heart–always have and always will.  Happy Fathers Day, dad!

-Leif