Necessity

I’ve thought a lot about the reasons I quit drinking.  Alcoholism was a poison that seeped into every aspect of my life.  It negatively impacted my relationships, health, emotional well-being and started to impact my ability to be an effective father.  I was literally losing my grip on reality.

I felt like I was sitting in the middle of an empty room that was completely silent—and in that room was a small window.  The window was the only source of light, and glimpse into the outside world.  I would some-times stand at the window, looking at my family at the time interact with each-other.  Laughing, playing, loving and all the while, attempting to ignore the alcoholic in the room.  I sat with my hand on the window pane—tears rolling down my face, and at times, screaming for help.  The screams were internal, and that window pane was an emotional barrier…I couldn’t speak and express how I truly felt.  I was lost.  I was in pain, and spreading that anguish and despair to those I loved the most.  Eventually, no light shone through the window–it was completely dark in that room, and I lay on the floor rocking back and forth in the fetal position.  How did I get here?

The last thing I want to do is compare my journey toward sobriety to another—but as of late, I have been thinking about sustainability.  Meaning, I realize that sobriety, for me, is an absolute necessity.  I have very little support in the Bay Area—no family and few friends that I want to share my experience being an alcoholic with.  I have no enablers.

I have no couches to crash on if I lose my job—and no grandparents to watch Lila while I’m at the bar drinking.  Katie was my only enabler—and I knew with her around, I could continue drinking and everything would be ok…she would take care of things.  Yeah, I was a selfish prick.

With no fall-back, my only option was to stop drinking for good.  I had to toss the bottle and never look back.

The hardest part about this entry is realizing that I probably would’ve continued to compromise my health and emotional well being if I in fact did have an enabler.  Is shedding twenty years off of my life worth being able to drink on a daily basis?  Of course not—but to an alcoholic, it sometimes is.

Necessity is what helped me become sober—and all that I’ve learned during this journey, realizing true potential, is what will keep me clean.

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