Day 208

The last few weeks have flown by–like the blink of an eye.  It’s hard to fathom how quickly 2014 is passing by–and it really has been a make or break year. However, I have decided that my year began in April, not January.  April, when I stopped drinking, seems like a life-time ago.  It’s hard for me to capture any memories from October 2013 to April 2014–my mind was so preoccupied with stress related items, anxiety and drenched in alcohol.  I have been keeping a daily journal at my new job–I probably spend 45 minutes out of the day writing. Lets’ just keep that between you and I, as my new boss is pretty strict about time management.  I find myself writing a lot about Lila, and yes, still…Katie.  I love her with all of my heart…yes, still.  I can’t help but think about the “what ifs.”  I know it’s counter-productive, but I do it anyway.

I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about drinking.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t the type of alcoholic that is debating whether I can drink normally.  I have missed a few weeks of AA, and the guys have been calling.  They keep mentioning that a true alcoholic who stops going to meetings will transition back to the old ways of thinking.  I appreciate their concern and assured them i’ll be back this Monday for the regular meeting.

Overall, I am happy with life right now.  Things are going really well with Lila and work.  She has a soccer tournament tomorrow, and at her parent/teacher conference–Ms. Pelayo was very happy with all of her progress.  Lila is on the brink of reading, which is amazing.

I am doing my best to stay busy–which is very helpful in my effort to continue not drinking.  If I weren’t so busy, i’m pretty sure alcohol would be a lot harder to stay away from.

I went bowling the other night with my friend–they were drinking pitcher after pitcher of beer.  Me?  I just got an orange juice, which was surprisingly refreshing.  On my way home, a police officer followed me part of the way.  Usually, i’d be a bit nervous–but it felt good not being scared that I was in jeopardy of losing my license due to a DUI.

I picked up a Christmas tree today with Lila.  Just a fake one, nothing fancy.  I know we are a bit early for putting up a tree–it just felt like the right time.  I love the glow of the lights at night in the living room–it reminds me of home back in Pennsylvania.

I’m going to keep focusing on one day at a time, and though the urge to drink has reemerged–i’m going to fight it.  I feel more alone than usual, but right now, i’m watching my daughter play with her two friends as I write this post.  I know i’m not alone–and the one person who loves me unconditionally and depends on me is what I need to keep in mind.  She is so sweet and loves me with all her heart–and that’s not something i’m willing to lose.

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