The 15th week was the most difficult in my efforts to remain sober. My daughter and I had a wonderful, and fun-filled weekend which included: the Renaissance Fair, swimming, soccer practice, back to school shopping and a symphony at San Jose State. I try my hardest to keep a smile on my face despite the fact that i’m still hurting on the inside from my break-up with Katie and learning how to cope with stressors in a productive way. I feel guilty on day 106 because I was grumpier than usual while Lila was over this weekend–and with her only being with me 50 percent of the time, I always want to maximize, in a great way, our time together.
I thought about Katie more than usual during week 15, so I ended up calling her to check-in. She mentioned that her grandmother passed away, which made me a bit sad. Her grandmother was such a sweet lady who Lila and I grew to love during our three years with Katie…it felt like my own grandmother had passed. Then, Katie and I got into a discussion about our time together–and she expressed her anguish with our relationship. She mentioned that I took her for granted, she didn’t feel loved, that I had a lot of baggage (single father with a challenging baby mama whose family lives thousands of miles away) and we just weren’t compatible. I felt sad about our discussion–as I now realize that I used alcohol as a coping mechanism to deal with my “baggage” and didn’t realize the extent of the problem until it was too late. I can’t describe to Katie, because she will get angry, that I lost myself for a while and truly didn’t realize the problems I created for her and myself…and I will never go back to that way of life. She referred to us, at one point, as a “family,” but deep down I know we weren’t. Families don’t run from problems–they face them head on as a team. Katie was my first real relationship after splitting from Lila’s mother–and I realize I have a lot to learn about balancing work, relationships and life in general in order to have a healthy partnership. It is a learning process–I just wish I had understood what I know now before I met who I currently believe is the love of my life. Time will heal everything, I know. Thankfully, I have a good friend who was able to frankly speak with me after my discussion with Katie and support the moving on process.
I went to an AA meeting last night which helped redirect my thought process to what is really important–focusing on each day, being a great father and not trying to change things that are out of my control.
This weekend, for the first time in my over 15 weeks sober–I questioned if I was ever an alcoholic. So, I took a quiz about alcoholism and if you answered “yes” to more than 3 questions, it was recommended that you seek help. Well, I answered yes to 18 out of the 20 questions. The fact that I even had to take the quiz is a pretty solid indicator of being an alcoholic.
My focus for today, and hopefully all of week 16, is accepting that Katie is gone and that what we had is in the past. I have Lila’s Kindergarten orientation to attend tomorrow–and want to really focus on ensuring that she gets the best start possible in grade-school. I need to understand that what is said to me, which describes who I was during my days with alcohol, isn’t who I am today.
Today, I will focus on not drinking, and make it the best day 106 possible.